At some point or another, most perfectionists, self included, struggle with a kind of self-doubt that oddly takes the form of philanthropy. Known commonly as ‘people-pleasing,’ sufferers of this malady are driven not so much by the desire to see people happy, as much as to feel affirmed, welcomed, joyous, delivered, sane, not debilitated, fill in the blank, and the list goes on.
Perhaps this condition is not at all related to perfectionism. But its drive is so comprehensive, I’m going to venture that a connection likely exists.
The risk of getting broken and scarred even in the unhealthiest of relationships is one that the perfectionist is at times willing to take in order to appease that part of the self that is starved for the affirmation even of the unsafe and unstable.
Its cousin is the ‘yes man’—those who feel compelled to portray agreement with the status quo at virtually any cost. It is more about self-preservation than affirming others or even affirming self. It is chiefly a form of self-defense. And while it may be a relative once-removed from people-pleasing, it possesses the ideological common denominator which is the wearing of a mask in order to appease, to avoid what is at times needful confrontation, in order to not show up or be challenged. (More on this matter in Chapter 7.) Love, on the other hand, seeks to cover over wrongs without fear of being challenged. When love is at the foundation, it is itself proof that all of the necessary groundwork has been done, and there now exists a firm place to stand.
These observations are not meant to cast a shadow on the importance of loving others and keeping the peace. But it is meant to question the basis for doing it. If motivated by love, the desire is for the true good of the individual, and not for any sort of self-gain. This is of course not to say there is no personal benefit from kindness shown to another; there is and should be a sense of well being from caring for another. But in its purest form, the motivation is primarily for the benefit and blessing of the recipient. The love that is shown is the hallmark of the cause, not the other way around. Sometimes a cause becomes the strategic focus, and more than a pure love-motivated action, it is easy to get caught up in ‘helping’ someone in such a way that they become a sort of project. The truth is that no one wants to be someone’s project. And if so, it is only an expression of brokenness that so covets human attention, it will take the dregs of someone else’s need to take on a cause. I know this all too well from personal experience, and from observing others. I can recall a time that I realized the high likelihood that I had been the target of someone else’s need to have a project, and the thought that what I thought was a viable, two-way friendship was actually their self-attempt to check off a box of self-imposed ‘causedom’ makes me cringe. I’m honestly not sure if more on my behalf, or on theirs. But having fallen into this particular form of people-pleasing in the past, I can say that is self-serving and more about the individual’s need to feel like a hero than it is truly caring for another.
Self-doubt is an issue usually dwelling well under wrap. People with advanced degrees, secure careers and seemingly well-put together lives can nevertheless labor under the belief that they are less than adequate.
Another branch of the tree of people-pleasing is pursuit of social justice causes. Once again, the cloak of philanthropy, but it is sometimes a covering for unrelated issues.
It should be said at this juncture that the purpose of this expo is not to shame, but simply to reveal less than pure motives for what they are. This is not meant to breed cynicism; true philanthropy of course does exist! It has at its core the words of Christ that “Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” The call is to “love one another deeply, from the heart.” This we cannot do without a commitment to honesty, and the kind of love that willingly looks beyond itself to the needs of others. That kind of love is available through the Father of Lights, in whom there is no shadow of change.” His changeless spirit within us is what enables us to keep the “love-light shining.” I always thought of the song with that expression to be cheesy, but the imagery of a lighthouse is apropos in the context of doing what it takes to extend a beacon of light to those who might otherwise find themselves jettisoned by whatever unanticipated hazard they may encounter.
The beauty of the matter is that no matter what the past may have held for any of us, our experiences qualify us to understand the plights of others. Even when that plight may be a failure to be honest with oneself. This brings us back to the discussion of social justice matters. Unfortunately, many of the so-called warriors of movements and causes that seem to be for the benefit of humanity have settled for the lesser form of love. It is a hollow depiction of the real thing. Far from being in the secular arena alone, the malady is very common in the church. Most of us have encountered what were perhaps talented ministers who nevertheless seemed to have forgotten how to love. They leave wounded souls in their wake, as they have raised the “cause” of their ministry above that of the cause of Christ, which was to walk in humble obedience to the heart of the Father, at all times, in all seasons, even to one’s personal detriment, which in actuality is honor in terms of the Kingdom. (Example: The Sermon on the Mount.) Paul writes of the importance of overseers to have stable families, as they are setting an example of Christ for those who will see.
[Have courage for this section. It needs to bite the heels of the restrainers.]
When we get caught up in the trap of trying to be perfect, it is always one-sided, it is always about us. For a long time, I brought what I thought was the best of myself to my tasks, and while outward perfection or at least meeting a certain standard was achieved on plenty of occasions, behind the offer to help was a self-serving desire to show up as a good person. That is not to say there was no desire to help others, but simply that appearing well was a higher priority than actually serving others. There is a place for “faking it till you make it.” You pay a higher price however for what you offer that you don’t actually place a premium on, because it is typically not something relatable. The cost of time, energy, money and lifeblood running concurrently can make the best of souls feel they are running dry.
The remedy is not pulling out from helpful or humanitarian services. It just means a new perspective must be calibrated.
There are seasons of change coming. Do not fear them, you will reap what you have sown. (move this thought to Excellence chapter?)
People-pleasing is the default for people who have lacked affirmation in their lives. They set aside their own will to work to please others in a desperate exchange for adulation and affirmation. It is a steep price to pay. But one can make the point that without the proper sense of self, there actually is no way to effectively move in one’s calling without the needful ingredient of self-affirmation and love, because it is the foundation of forward movement.
With moving forward can come a moving away from people who were perhaps integral in one’s passage or passages through change or growth. It can be confusing both for the one in flux as well as the people who have been in essence sidelined due to inevitable change.
The challenge for the people-pleaser is to let certain relationships go when they no longer are part of the life-giving flow of the person’s life. That’s not to say that the people that were once more involved are not important any more; just that they are no longer on the road to the place you are heading, as they once were. Part of honoring what they were is to understand their natural boundaries. This does not relegate them to a lesser status, it simply assesses them as a necessary part of the foundation that once laid, does not need to be relayed, and can then serve to support the edifice which is being built. If there is an artificial adhesion to what was in the past, the current season can be missed.
Discernment is important at the break of a season of change. Change for changes’ sake is not necessarily advantageous. To pilot one’s own shift can be an interesting adventure. Some change is needed in order to stimulate new growth. Some change requires a passage through grief for the ‘what was’, even if the change happens to be positive.
Pulling free of relationships that were once integral can be challenging. There can be feelings of guilt and confusion over the shift. This is typical when sorting through a relational transition and should not be seen as a problem in of itself, even if it poses some level of awkwardness.